Hello, is there anybody out there for me?

In general I try to keep unrelated personal bits out of this blog, but seeing as how this one (in a sense) gave birth to a relevant post, I shall include it and hope it somehow follows the example set forth by my mate whose blog is to the right (hint hint!).

One of my Filofaxes has a space at the bottom of every week in which to write the most memorable moment.  This week, there were two very memorable ones to record when I was updating my diary (schedule, dayplanner) on Wednesday night.  The week starts on Monday; both events came from Tuesday.  One was my birthday, the other throat cancer.

Needless to say, my life has been very stressful lately.  Friday night I had a mini meltdown and decided I was not going to have a birthday this year.  In the end I did - at 23 I cannot continue to act like a brat for no good reason, I have to be an adult now.  The night did not go as I had hoped, but it was fun at times and I sure as hell have had worse.  And to be fair, I had cancelled everything, was ill for a while and did not feel up for anything, and there really was no time to plan anything.  But my bezzie got me a card and a cake and an Oilers cup foam holder things and it was great.

What really kills me is I don't really have anyone to talk to about the other, major issues.  Lots of people say they care and are always there to listen - and I appreciate this greatly, don't get me wrong - but I cannot just talk to anyone about it.  I can, but I would really like to talk to someone who at least understands a part of it.  So I don't bring it up or mention it, except to my one mate who is awesome and also understands a lot of it.  As much as I hate constantly taking up her time with my problems, I really do feel a lot better afterwards.  I wish I could openly talk to my best friend about these things, or be able to discuss them with other people I talk to a lot, but I simply can't.  First there is the huge issue of bringing it up, then there's the talking part and no one knows what to say.

As ridiculous and juvenile as it is, I do sometimes wish someone would push me to open up about things.  I have learned that I cannot expect anyone to do anything remotely like that, and that I have to learn to be strong enough to do that on my own ... but still, it would be nice.  Yes, it would be letting me take the easy way out and avoid responsibility, but I think the part that I like most - perhaps I am just deluding myself - is the feeling that someone actually cares.  Fairy tales and movie romances do not happen in the real world, I know, but on occasion I give in for a moment and imagine someone doing that for me.  Perhaps I am just incredibly insecure and want someone to overcome the challenges to prove it is not a joke or something of the sort.  Or perhaps I am just an overly-emotional female.

I wish I could say there was more of a point to this post, but sadly, there is not.  Originally this was where I stated there were two executions today, but that turned into its own post .



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